Saturday, April 23, 2016

God punishing Texas for being anti-gay; North Carolina and Mississippi next?

"Oy vey iz mir," said God, shaking his head

Satire by Larry Murray

Why is God punishing Texas?

Since 2005, when the state passed a constitutional amendment outlawing same-sex marriage, the Lone Star State has been visited by severe flooding. And after a decade of flood after flood, it just got even worse as the worst rains in 15 years drowned the Houston area.

 Kim Jackson, a spokeswoman for Harris County Flood Control District. admitted they weren't prepared for such a deluge. “We didn’t expect the magnitude of storm that we received.” Churches in the area held prayer vigils hoping to get God to change the weather.

But He was not listening. He was pissed.

Then, Saturday, AP reported: "Flood-weary residents of Texas and Oklahoma had no reprieve Friday as more rain fell in a region where two weeks of storms have swollen rivers and lakes beyond their limits. . . .

 The Rev Al Sharpton drew lightning last year when he tweeted out a question asking whether his followers believe the deadly storms in Texas represent God's wrath over the almost unanimous positions of Texas politicians who continue to deny climate changes.

Prostrate on a raincloud, God was bummed and feeling depressed.

"Oy vey iz mir," he shook his head. "What have I done?"

He was lamenting the homophobic former Governor of Texas Rick Perry and evil-incarnate Presidential hopeful Ted Cruz who have continued their excoriation of homosexuals along with consistent denial of climate change and contempt for the poor.

But they have also incited enough hatred of the LGBT community to earn them a special place in hell.

"No matter how many tornadoes and floods I send at them, they remain oblivious," kvetched the Heavenly Father. "They mistake the evil voices in their head for mine, and are causing great harm to some of my favorite people," How quickly they forget when I sent my son to preach the new gospel that he wasn't talking to them, he was only talking to the Jews. Can I help it if some guy on the road to Damascus was having hallucinations and decided to turn His simple gospel of love and forgiveness into a manifesto that is used for hate and greed? What a bunch of cherry pickers those Bible thumpers are."

These revelations came as the sun was shining in the blessed Berkshires which not only believes that Global Warming is real, but welcomes such groups as the Rainbow Seniors of Berkshire County to its midst. Thus, a winter has just passed that was marvelously mild. It's enough to make someone believe in the Bible again.

So what's going on here.

American Christianists periodically "explain" apparent natural disasters as a form of divine punishment. The devastation of Hurricaine Katrina was blamed on multiple divine causes and imagined sins. The TV con artist Pat Robertson, for example, linked it to legalized abortion.

According to Hal Lindsay, "It seems clear that the prophetic times I have been expecting for decades have finally arrived. And even worse, it appears that the judgment of America has begun."

Repent America claimed that "this act of God destroyed a wicked city." And Fred Phelps called it God's wrath against gay people.

 "It does seem to me that dams, not walls should be built," said the omnipotent being, "but Donald Trump, well, he doesn't listen to anybody. So what's a God to do? I'm almost ready to give up on the human race, and start over again. And maybe this time I won't tell Adam and Eve not to eat from the tree of knowledge, but to go ahead, indulge. The human race has got to get a lot smarter than it has been lately.

"Look, I'm not into making prophesies, but let me tell you this. You want to see the apocalypse? Then let the gullible evangelicals keep deciding the winner of America's elections. The current crop of Republican candidates depend on them since they can't tell truth from fiction. And oddly enough, they can't wait until the end times, but sorry about this folks, but I don't want them here. They're lousy tenants, look what they have done to the earth.

And as to all those gay boys and lesbians, didn't any of these religious dimwits get my message? I created them to help you slow down population growth - there are more people than the planet can handle. Humans are killing off so many of beautiful creatures I helped to create. (However, please note that Darwin was right, I just started the ball rolling, and evolution did the rest.)

 "This is not what I had in mind, folks. Wake up. Or do I have to send some tsunamis into the Outer Banks and up the Gulf into Mississippi?"